Why we love

Just got back from a show in Austin for work. (Erin, I flew into Dallas twice, so I'm sure I picked out your house. lol) I managed to get through to the last chapter of my latest Nicholas Sparks book At First Sight. I was so anxious that I could not finish it on my flight back today, but as I know his books so well, I didn't not want to be a blubbering, sobbing wreck on the plane. :) So, I waited until tonight. Glenn is at a session and it was the perfect time to finish. Only took me about 10 minutes, but I spent most of it bawling, of course. His books always make me think about life and love and tragedy. This time I wondered, why do we love so vehemently when we could lose it at any second? We never know what is going to happen in life and the thought of losing people in my life scares me to death. Perhaps I worry too much about it. I mean, if you're too scared to lose love, you'll never fully embrace it.

I have faced tragedy in my life. At 15, my friends and I experienced the loss of a friend to cancer that will forever bond us and still makes me cry to this day. I have written about it many times, but looking back I always see how she changed my life. I realize, maybe for the first time, that her life was about so much more than tragedy and the sadness we all felt following her death.

I do love passionately and that may be why I am so afraid to lose it. I don't know how to be without love. I buy a dog, love him, nurture him, laugh because of him, only to know that one day I will weep uncontrollably when he dies.

I often have nightmares about losing my family or friends and I don't know how to deal with those when I wake up. I want children so badly, but seeing tragedy in other people's lives and knowing that anything could happen to a child sometimes deters my spirit. How could I bring something into the world that I know I will love so much and possibly lose? Or that something could happen to one of us? But I know that any parent would say tragedies were worth every smile from that child's face; and the love we feel in any amout of time with that child far surpasses the sadness we may feel.

I had to accept death from what seems like such a young age now, but accepting something and understanding it are totally different. I will never understand death. I've quoted C.S. Lewis' saying many times in my life, but he once said that death is foreign to us because we were created to be eternal beings. Why I hold on to this statement, I don't know. But possibly, it makes some sense of the unknown and offers me some sort of peace about the future.