Why we love

Just got back from a show in Austin for work. (Erin, I flew into Dallas twice, so I'm sure I picked out your house. lol) I managed to get through to the last chapter of my latest Nicholas Sparks book At First Sight. I was so anxious that I could not finish it on my flight back today, but as I know his books so well, I didn't not want to be a blubbering, sobbing wreck on the plane. :) So, I waited until tonight. Glenn is at a session and it was the perfect time to finish. Only took me about 10 minutes, but I spent most of it bawling, of course. His books always make me think about life and love and tragedy. This time I wondered, why do we love so vehemently when we could lose it at any second? We never know what is going to happen in life and the thought of losing people in my life scares me to death. Perhaps I worry too much about it. I mean, if you're too scared to lose love, you'll never fully embrace it.

I have faced tragedy in my life. At 15, my friends and I experienced the loss of a friend to cancer that will forever bond us and still makes me cry to this day. I have written about it many times, but looking back I always see how she changed my life. I realize, maybe for the first time, that her life was about so much more than tragedy and the sadness we all felt following her death.

I do love passionately and that may be why I am so afraid to lose it. I don't know how to be without love. I buy a dog, love him, nurture him, laugh because of him, only to know that one day I will weep uncontrollably when he dies.

I often have nightmares about losing my family or friends and I don't know how to deal with those when I wake up. I want children so badly, but seeing tragedy in other people's lives and knowing that anything could happen to a child sometimes deters my spirit. How could I bring something into the world that I know I will love so much and possibly lose? Or that something could happen to one of us? But I know that any parent would say tragedies were worth every smile from that child's face; and the love we feel in any amout of time with that child far surpasses the sadness we may feel.

I had to accept death from what seems like such a young age now, but accepting something and understanding it are totally different. I will never understand death. I've quoted C.S. Lewis' saying many times in my life, but he once said that death is foreign to us because we were created to be eternal beings. Why I hold on to this statement, I don't know. But possibly, it makes some sense of the unknown and offers me some sort of peace about the future.

Fish!

Anyone in the area want some baby fish? I have three fish about to give birth (two guppies and one dalmation molly). They're probably a couple weeks away, but wondered if anyone was interested. I don't want them to get eaten and I can't keep all of them, so let me know! Of course this is all assuming I catch them giving birth before they eat them all!

Revival

I think God has really been opening me up the past couple of months. It's a strange experience when you think you're doing fine and although you have had more down times than usual, you feel like you're trying to go the right path. But lately I've realized my life could be so much more. Our church has played a huge part in God working on me. It is everything I think I could ever hope for in a church. From the moment we stepped into that family, we have felt accepted, loved, encouraged and strengthened.

I used to think all the babies being produced in our church had something to do with the water, but after a year I can say that the love this church surrounds children with makes me confident about bringing a baby into it. It is an environment that blesses children and they will always know they are cared for. That is invaluable. I desperately want that for my children.

I've also been challenged a lot by Pastor's preaching. His style is deeply rooted in the Bible and he has walked us through many passages that have opened my eyes and my heart to many things. I have not had that since college.

The biggest things my church encourages me to do is serve. I'm not the best at social situations and I get a bit of anxiety, but I can feel God speaking to me (again, finally!) about where my talents should be used. I know it's God because I'm always taken aback at my immediate volunteering to do things! I do them without thinking now. We are trying to start ESL classes at our spot in the mall and with the foreign population that walks that mall every day, I think it could take off. My experience in Spanish and desire to understand other cultures better made me jump at the chance! I know it will be a blessing in my life.

I've also been immersed in a wonderful book called The Faith Club. It was written by three women: a Christian, a Muslim and a Jew. After 9/11 they got together to discuss their faiths and write a childrens' book about the similarities in their religions. It is fascinating. I have an amazing Muslim friend whom I met in college. She and I instantly connected because of our shared values and beliefs. She is very dear to my heart and a constant challenge to my spirit. I started reading this book because of her. I wanted to know more about the average Muslim, not the radicals we hear about in the news or the terrorists our government is constantly trying to convince us to fear, but those who practice real, true Islam. A lot of stereotypes are covered; the book is very helpful. I recommend it highly! I still have many chapters left, but I expect to be enlightened even further and learn so much about other people.

I'm really just tired of the world being segregated. Last Sunday Pastor was walking us through his plans for the next five years since it was the church's five-year anniversary. He touched on the fact that people of all races are welcome in our church. It took me aback at first like it shouldn't even be something that needs to be said! But it does. I want to be a part of a multi-cultural community/family and I think we're doing our best.

At any rate, God is working on me like never before and I think I'm ready for the attitude change I will go through.