I Cannot Impress God

Last week I heard a sermon that forever changed my life. My pastor's step-father preached on one simple truth he learned after he was ready to give up on church and God. The truth is that God is not impressed with me.

First, I loved his honesty. To admit to being ready to throw in the towel showed me that other people struggle with the same issues as me. But God is not impressed with me? It hit me very hard. We have become a species so self-centered, so prideful that we actually believe our actions can somehow astonish God, the creator of all things.

I've heard the "faith, not works" spiel a hundred times, but not in this way. I have a tendency to be proud of myself when I figure out something philosophical or when I think I "get" something others don't. Oh how sad the rest of humanity is that they don't understand things the way I do. I recycle, I walk my dogs the Cesar Milan way; I dress pretty modestly, I am open-minded about most things in life. I've come to believe that somehow these things I do well or the things I don't do, all the things I can look down my nose to other people about – they really don't mean a hill of beans to God.

God's response to all my good works: "And…?"

The "and" that I'm missing is faith. Faith is a buzzword to me. I have no idea what it means. I have no idea how to apply it or how to figure it out. And then I heard this sermon, putting Abraham into a new light.

Abraham is one of the pillars of faith in Hebrews 11.

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.

I've also heard this story many times before, but what I never got before was that Abraham believed God in a confusing, unthinkable situation. God had promised to make him the father of many nations and how could that happen if he killed Isaac? He believed in that promise so much that he thought God would bring Isaac back from the dead if he wanted to. That's faith.

Pastor Pettit gave another example: When he was meeting before the board of the Nazarene church before being ordained (at least I think that's how it goes!) an old man asked him if he was up against a wall and threatened with death, would he still say he believed in God? (Something like that anyway.) His response was he didn’t know. That’s honesty. And I think they made him go through school again because of it. The man on that Nazarene board, many people I've encountered in life, they would have said no matter what I would never denounce my faith. And for some reason we put these people on pedestals. If only I could be that strong, we think. The truth is that none of us really knows what we would do in a desperate situation.

He continued to say he didn't know what he would do, but he knew that God would be with him. And there's the key.

What a miserable existence, as Pastor Pettit put it, to live in fear. I confess I live in very fearful places sometimes. Death, tragedy, illness, accidents, crime, natural disasters, what will happen to our planet if we don't focus on renewable resources, how can I get my cholesterol down when I want to eat cookies all the time? (All joking aside, that last fear is very real.) I fear so many things and what good has it done me? I definitely don't eat fewer cookies.

I'm tired of a miserable existence. I'm tired of fear. From Abraham and Pastor Pettit's examples, I know that no matter what unimaginable circumstance I find myself in, one thing is true.

God will be there.

I find so much comfort in that. And maybe instead of focusing so much on what "great" things I do, I could spend a little more time trusting God with the over-arching purpose, direction and flow of my life.

I've needed to see honesty from people at this point in my life. I can't accept generic answers anymore and I so appreciated this sermon. I can't live in a society that pretends it can react perfectly to every ill and has the answers to every question. It's just not possible. But if we open ourselves up, stop focusing on works, admit we are all a bit self-centered, don't have all the answers to life and might curse when we stub our toes, we might just show the world what faith is. And we'd all feel a little less alone.

Now back to life, I've got a cookie staring me down and dogs to walk perfectly on their leashes.

Mediocrity

Today I'm asking myself if I'm OK with being mediocre. I've had more than one acquaintance jump out of an airplane in the last month. Many more are preparing for their first child. I'm not a thrill-seeker, but wait...yep I might be.

I hate roller coasters. My dad took me on the Zambezee Zinger (remember that Worlds Of Fun awesomeness?) when I was five and I vowed at that tender age never to "go on that again". Precious. I have ridden one other roller coaster since then, but seriously, it's not my thing.

I have no desire to jump out of an airplane either. I really don't have a death wish. It's not something thrilling to me.

Does that make me boring?

I took the "What does Jesus think about you?" facebook quiz and it said Jesus thinks I'm boring. Am I really? I mean if facebook Jesus said so...

I've never been the social butterfly. I get anxiety about meeting new people. I am perfectly happy in my comfort zone (which may be about as big as my new closet, i.e. very, very small). But I love deeply and I care about peace and justice in the world. If you step into my closet, you will be loved and you will get to know my brutally honest self, who would do anything for you.

But for some reason I come down hard from anticipation. We just moved into our house and it was something I wanted so badly! Now it's just kind of...meh... I love my house and I'm happy to be there, but my brain is like...what's next? Maybe it's a patience issue, but maybe it's just my way of looking for the next thrill. I may not need airplanes or roller coasters, but I find myself needing something to look forward to. That's honesty. I don't want to live on thrills. It fights with my socially awkward, content side.

I'm really not sure what I'm trying to say anymore. The rambling may have taken over. Maybe I'm seeking answers, maybe I just need a hug, but today is a rough day and I'm trying to figure out why.

How to Make Stuff

I found this website today...and I'm in love. I'm making marble magnets asap!
http://www.notmartha.org/tomake/

The Fear of Pain and Loss

I watched Little People Big World last night simply to see them deal with the loss of their very close friend, Mike. I realized after an hour that I was making myself watch it for very specific reasons. I'm terrified of losing people I love. I watch TV for various reasons, but one of them is surely to see that other people suffer, go through struggling relationships and experience loss. And maybe by watching them, I somehow know that all things will pass. No matter what happens, it is in our nature to seek happiness and saddness eventually fades. I guess I figure if I can watch someone go through the worst, I will know it is possible for me to do the same. Not that I want to. I still fear loss, death and not knowing what the future holds. But yet, I'm drilling into my brain constantly the idea of faith. Ironically, I think faith has come naturally to me. It's easy for me to tell someone it's going to be OK and truly believe that. I guess once you've felt hopeless and come out the other side OK, and maybe even a better person, you can look past grief and sadness. However, I still appreciate the grieving process and know it is by no means an easy road. I guess I'm just trying to say that although there are terrible things that happen in this world that we will never understand, there is always hope. Now I fear I'm rambling... :) Please feel free to share a time of sorrow that you overcame. It helps us all.

Update on last post

From Walgreens:
Dear Erin Shipps,

Thank you for taking your time to contact our Corporate Offices. We appreciate hearing from our customers and value all comments received.

The check reader at the register read the wrong # on the last digit. So it sent the check to Erin Shipps account and it cleared. Paperwork was submitted to reverse this transaction and put the money back in your account. We just received confirmation from your bank that they will be processing this reversal.


*Whew*!!!

Because frustrations are just around every corner

Thought I'd rant a bit about some things going on right now. :)
1. I just noticed an unauthorized transaction on our money market account from two months ago! It was $212.99 to Walgreens, written in check form. Small problem, we don't have checks on our MM account. And who spends that much at Walgreens? I don't know how this happened, but you better believe when I actually find time to get to the bank when I'm off work and they're still open, they're going to hear it from me! I should have been watching this account more closely, but we only look at it when we need to pay Glenn's tuition. We can't exactly take a $200 hit at this stage in our life.

2. Glenn's program switched from JCCC to Baker as of next semester. Thus, they added two more classes, on top of two more we didn't know about going into this. So, he can take the two classes and graduate from Baker and if he wants to be a teacher some day, go back and get his bachelors in this program. OR, he can not take the classes, get his cert. from JCCC and be screwed. They won't let you into the bachelor's program if you do this. So, more time, more money. He'll have to go through the fall, thus postponing any baby ideas I had in my brain... I know it will be fine, it's just a few more months, but they program put us in a really tough position and it was a difficult decision to make.

3. I'm sick. :( Waaaaa

I love ugly old couch prints

It's been almost an obsession the past couple of years. I love gawdy lamps, sparkling chandeliers and ugly couch prints! The lamps and chandeliers will have to wait until I have more time and money to find them. But my awesome mom bought me this purse at Target and I'm in love with it. :) I got the smaller version, but you get the idea with the print.

Click here.

Freecycle

In an ever-growing effort to be environmentally conscious and grow our sense of community, I found a great yahoo group called Freecycle. It is a non-profit, grassroots movement of people giving to those in need. No money is exchanged, only unwanted items offered. So far, I love it!

P.S. I still have a lot of fish in my tank! haha

Why I'm voting for Barack Obama

I'm about to write something that I've been wanting to write for a long time and I'm sure a lot of people will not like it, but I have to say it. I've never been the kind of person to believe everything I hear or jump on the bandwagon of either major political party. I'm registered independent and I probably always will be. Neither party is perfect. This is the first election that I really feel a part of and that I really care about. I don't take my decision to support Obama lightly. Despite differences in a few things, I find myself aligning more with his ideas than McCain's.

I don't appreciate being treated like a naive Christian. John McCain talks a lot about certain things because he is pandering to a certain conservative vote. He chose Sarah Palin because he is pandering to a certain conservative vote. He attacks Obama in specific ways because he is pandering to a certain conservative vote.

The beauty of all this is you don't have to agree with me.

But I can't support someone who I believe is just telling me what I want to hear. What I appreciate about Barack Obama is that he says what he thinks and believes no matter where he's at. If you haven't viewed the Saddleback Civil Forum where Rick Warren interviews Obama and McCain, you need to.

The fact is that we live in a country with other people. Shocker, I know. Sometimes we have to make decisions based on the common good. Obama does not support gay marriage, but he does support the rights offered of a civil union. This is still a "conservative" view. While he does support a woman's right to choose, he also shows great support for reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies, which is really the underlying problem. People will always have abortions, whether legally or illegally and our responsibility is to help people not be in that situation in the first place. As Obama has said, we need to educate our children on the sacredness of sexuality. If our children constantly see sex on TV, in movies and hear about it at school, and we fail as a society to show them its sacredness, we will lose this battle and more and more abortions will happen. Attacking the result is never as effective as attacking the source. Catch my drift?

Should there be a moral compass guiding our nation so that all hell doesn't break loose? Absolutely! But we need a person who can represent and listen to all people, not just one group. In my opinion, Obama is a great compromiser. A presidential election shouldn't be based on abortion and gay marriage. There are such bigger issues than that! And, by the way, a president is not the only one who decides things on issues we care about. What about our senators and representatives? When was the last time anyone cared at all about those elections? (myself included) This week, I did my research and am now well informed for my local elections.

Obama prioritized the top three concerns of the public in the second debates: Education, Healthcare and Energy. (McCain couldn't do this by the way. He continues to support the idea that we can attack all three at once and we all know this isn't possible.) I absolutely agree with Obama's prioritzation of these issues. First, we must begin to actively pursue becoming energy independent. This will take 10 years so the sooner we start, the better! Ultimately, this will strengthen our autonomy and economy. Second, affordable healthcare has been something big in my life as my husband has been without health insurance for many years. It's scary. The number of people without healthcare is ridiculous. I don't want to live in a country where basic needs are considered luxuries afforded only to the rich. In the past eight years the gap between the rich and poor has grown astronomically and now look where we are. Finally, our educational system has become a joke to the rest of the world. Our country continues to fail in keeping up with the rest of the world and the best teachers are being shipped overseas.

Obama's priorities are right on. All of these are important and being able to say we can realistically do them is incredible. I need someone I can believe in. Not someone that I feel is just like everyone else. We need someone to bring our nation together, not drive it further apart. As people in the same country (and world) we NEED to care for one another! Have we forgotten that our greatest commandment after loving God is loving our neighbor as ourselves? And that doesn't mean harshly judging one another, hoarding our money and belongings because we "deserve" them and closing ourselves off from the rest of the world. And that is what we have become.

I don't want to get into a giant argument with people. I know some will disagree, which is fine. I just want people to be informed and really research the rumors they hear. Pick up an issue of Relevant magazine some time or read factcheck.org. Don't rely on what the media feeds you b/c it's mostly lies, overgeneralizations and things blown out of proportion. For the first time in my life I've really done my research and that is why I'm voting for Barack Obama.

Peace.

Crop boots!

My constant need, obsession, rage and craze to buy crop boots for fall finally came to an end. My wonderful husband took me shoe shopping as part of our date last Friday and after checking out DSW and Off Broadway, I was in a huff, totally disappointed by their prices. I was still spending birthday money, but wanted two pairs for the price, not one! Saddened, we went on and Glenn stopped at a music store. Lo and behold, across the street was Payless. I thought, what the heck, I'll go in and look. Joy! BOGO AND two that I adored! I love crop boots for their 80s flare.

New Automobile

Because Glenn's car was near death, and the availability of Honda Fits is ridiculous, we went with this nice little number two weekends ago. :) It is our first big grown-up purchase on our own and it's fab. Of course now I have to learn to drive a stick if I ever want to drive it. It is a blue Mazda 3i Sport. Yippee!

Why we love

Just got back from a show in Austin for work. (Erin, I flew into Dallas twice, so I'm sure I picked out your house. lol) I managed to get through to the last chapter of my latest Nicholas Sparks book At First Sight. I was so anxious that I could not finish it on my flight back today, but as I know his books so well, I didn't not want to be a blubbering, sobbing wreck on the plane. :) So, I waited until tonight. Glenn is at a session and it was the perfect time to finish. Only took me about 10 minutes, but I spent most of it bawling, of course. His books always make me think about life and love and tragedy. This time I wondered, why do we love so vehemently when we could lose it at any second? We never know what is going to happen in life and the thought of losing people in my life scares me to death. Perhaps I worry too much about it. I mean, if you're too scared to lose love, you'll never fully embrace it.

I have faced tragedy in my life. At 15, my friends and I experienced the loss of a friend to cancer that will forever bond us and still makes me cry to this day. I have written about it many times, but looking back I always see how she changed my life. I realize, maybe for the first time, that her life was about so much more than tragedy and the sadness we all felt following her death.

I do love passionately and that may be why I am so afraid to lose it. I don't know how to be without love. I buy a dog, love him, nurture him, laugh because of him, only to know that one day I will weep uncontrollably when he dies.

I often have nightmares about losing my family or friends and I don't know how to deal with those when I wake up. I want children so badly, but seeing tragedy in other people's lives and knowing that anything could happen to a child sometimes deters my spirit. How could I bring something into the world that I know I will love so much and possibly lose? Or that something could happen to one of us? But I know that any parent would say tragedies were worth every smile from that child's face; and the love we feel in any amout of time with that child far surpasses the sadness we may feel.

I had to accept death from what seems like such a young age now, but accepting something and understanding it are totally different. I will never understand death. I've quoted C.S. Lewis' saying many times in my life, but he once said that death is foreign to us because we were created to be eternal beings. Why I hold on to this statement, I don't know. But possibly, it makes some sense of the unknown and offers me some sort of peace about the future.

Fish!

Anyone in the area want some baby fish? I have three fish about to give birth (two guppies and one dalmation molly). They're probably a couple weeks away, but wondered if anyone was interested. I don't want them to get eaten and I can't keep all of them, so let me know! Of course this is all assuming I catch them giving birth before they eat them all!

Revival

I think God has really been opening me up the past couple of months. It's a strange experience when you think you're doing fine and although you have had more down times than usual, you feel like you're trying to go the right path. But lately I've realized my life could be so much more. Our church has played a huge part in God working on me. It is everything I think I could ever hope for in a church. From the moment we stepped into that family, we have felt accepted, loved, encouraged and strengthened.

I used to think all the babies being produced in our church had something to do with the water, but after a year I can say that the love this church surrounds children with makes me confident about bringing a baby into it. It is an environment that blesses children and they will always know they are cared for. That is invaluable. I desperately want that for my children.

I've also been challenged a lot by Pastor's preaching. His style is deeply rooted in the Bible and he has walked us through many passages that have opened my eyes and my heart to many things. I have not had that since college.

The biggest things my church encourages me to do is serve. I'm not the best at social situations and I get a bit of anxiety, but I can feel God speaking to me (again, finally!) about where my talents should be used. I know it's God because I'm always taken aback at my immediate volunteering to do things! I do them without thinking now. We are trying to start ESL classes at our spot in the mall and with the foreign population that walks that mall every day, I think it could take off. My experience in Spanish and desire to understand other cultures better made me jump at the chance! I know it will be a blessing in my life.

I've also been immersed in a wonderful book called The Faith Club. It was written by three women: a Christian, a Muslim and a Jew. After 9/11 they got together to discuss their faiths and write a childrens' book about the similarities in their religions. It is fascinating. I have an amazing Muslim friend whom I met in college. She and I instantly connected because of our shared values and beliefs. She is very dear to my heart and a constant challenge to my spirit. I started reading this book because of her. I wanted to know more about the average Muslim, not the radicals we hear about in the news or the terrorists our government is constantly trying to convince us to fear, but those who practice real, true Islam. A lot of stereotypes are covered; the book is very helpful. I recommend it highly! I still have many chapters left, but I expect to be enlightened even further and learn so much about other people.

I'm really just tired of the world being segregated. Last Sunday Pastor was walking us through his plans for the next five years since it was the church's five-year anniversary. He touched on the fact that people of all races are welcome in our church. It took me aback at first like it shouldn't even be something that needs to be said! But it does. I want to be a part of a multi-cultural community/family and I think we're doing our best.

At any rate, God is working on me like never before and I think I'm ready for the attitude change I will go through.

Blue Duck Invitations

Because people keep asking me for samples of my work, I simply started a Myspace page showing my work *crossing my fingers that it's not illegal or anything*! Check it out at http://www.myspace.com/blueduckinvitations

And pass it on!! Gracias!

My home

For the first time during a vacation, I missed Kansas. I appreciate beauty pretty much anywhere I travel and Arizona is one of the most beautifully diverse states I have ever seen; but I can understand why people usually end up back where they grew up. All my life I fantasized about living somewhere else. Some place exotic and NOT Kansas. Forever I thought Kansas was boring and uninspired. Now, I can't say that it is all that exciting, even to this day, but it will always be my home. Flying out of Phoenix we saw rows and rows and rows of houses, all crammed together with maybe two feet between them. The ground was covered as far as I could see. That was not home. I kept watching out the plane window to see sights of Kansas. Finally, the clouds cleared and I started to see open farmland and homesteads sometimes miles away from the next. This is home. Open land, trees, green, comfort, peace, security. I was longing to come home more than usual this time. I missed Kansas and it's nice to be back. Now if Colorado welcomed me with open arms... :)

Nothing is free

I guess I'm still learning this concept as we believed that if we drove all the way to the Cheesecake Factory, fought to find a parking spot and wrestled our way through the line that we'd actually get that yummy cheesecake for $1.50/slice. It was CF's 30-year anniversary; I checked it out on Snopes and everything! But alas, when we reached the front of the line, they said it was dine-in only. Bummer. Guess I didn't need cheesecake anyway.

Font humor

I know only a select few will appreciate this, but it's too funny!
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1823766

One Amazing Saturday

This past Saturday we saw the Dark Knight in the morning and then the Foo Fighters at night. It was a wonderful day! I was riveted by The Dark Knight and absolutely think Heath deserves an Oscar nod, no matter what other critics say. It was a fantastic movie, very true to the original comics. It was a very dark movie, but it went very deep with twists, turns and the internal struggles of the characters. I just thought it was fabulous and won't say anything to ruin it for those who haven't seen it. But if you haven't...get out there and see it! Our theater in Olathe has $5 tickets M-Th!

As for the Foo Fighters, it was our first time seeing them and I found that Dave Grohl is a genius and an incredible frontman. What if he had never come out from behind the drums of Nirvana? His ability to work the crowd and make everyone have fun is spectacular! More than half-way through the concert, they walked this long catwalk down to a circular stage that dropped down from the ceiling! We didn't even see it coming! They did a whole acoustic set from there with seven people and it was just awesome. I probably lost a little bit of hearing and a few brain cells, but it was a great show. We had floor passes and Glenn was elated to go down close and see all the equipment. He's so knowledgeable and really fun to go to concerts with because he knows so much. I just love him so dearly. He's so cool! haha

Scrimping

Being on a tight budget is never fun, but it is a huge lesson in discipline and test of our wills. Lately, we have been trying to find free or cheap things to do and eat and we've had some luck! This week, Myspace and Sonic hosted a free screening of The Rocker (Rainn Wilson), which was great! They only did this screening in five cities and wouldn't you know it just happened to be in our city and at our theater. We had a great time! We also found that we could eat HyVee Chinese food (which we love!) for $6 total! We shared and it was more than enough food. We share a lot because portions are ridiculous these days! Other things we can share for $5...Subway footlong, Quiznos sub and Dominos pizza! I love saving money. Last night we used our coupons from Sonic from the free screening and had two sundaes for $2 total! Ahh, life is good.

Tomorrow we will venture out to see Batman and hope it's not too crowded. We are going early so it only costs $5/ticket instead of $8! Then, it's off to see the Foo Fighters for $10 (parking) thanks to our wonderful brother Nate! That's right...free Foo Fighters, eat it up. :)

On another note, I finally got to use our re-useable grocery bags from Target and they are fabulous! Yay for being "green"!

More later on ways we're saving money on necessities.